![]() It's unclear why God went to all that trouble to work out that complex a plan, when he could have just made it rain. Kind of like humans deciding to land naked on the sun.įurther complicating things, it seems God has seen fit to provide the protagonist, a troubled ex-priest, with a spiritual reawakening, in the form of every member of his family having an important quirk affecting their final encounter with those terrifying water-allergic, can't-even-figure-out-how-to-open-locked-doors creatures. Extra bonus twist: Instead of being scary looking, the aliens look like naked burn victims.Īliens have conquered interplanetary space travel, invaded and terrorized people across the globe, and yet, somehow, they're incapable of figuring out that Earth is comprised almost entirely of water. Bonus twist: God has a lot of free time on his hands. Related: 5 Reasons Why French Horror Movies Totally Slap 8 Signs (2002)Įlaborate scheme (of divine intervention).Īliens are H20 intolerant. Except instead of credits, there's a half hour session of the French chicks scissoring. It could've easily ended like any good slasher film: with a prolonged sequence of the villain being killed, but then not really being dead, and then appearing again at an inopportune moment, but then actually being killed, but oh wait his eyes open up an instant before the credits roll. This one is so frustrating because it didn't even need a twist ending. Or maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that the filmmakers stole the entire plot from a Dean Koontz novel called Intensity, and in an effort to conceal their unoriginality, they tacked on an ending stolen from about a thousand split personality movies that came before it. We guess, as is often the case in life, the answer can be chalked up to superhuman lesbian strength and teleportation abilities. ![]() This might not have been so irritating had there been a logical way of explaining why over half of what was shown on screen was physically impossible for Marie to accomplish like snapping people's body parts off with bookshelves, and being in two different places at once. ![]() That is, until its final ten minutes, where the filmmakers raised their middle fingers to the audience and said, "Hey, you know that awesome movie you were just watching?. Violent, gory, and featuring a sequence of gratuitous lesbian masturbation, "High Tension" was on track to become one of the great horror films of our time. This leads to many puzzling questions, not least of which is, how in the hell did she manage to give herself a blowjob with that decapitated gal's head? (By the way, it's kind of a messed up movie.) Yes that French version of Natalie Portman is the one who stalked and killed a handful of grown men using seemingly super human strength to dispatch them with ease. In this French film, it turns out that the obese serial killing truck driver think Larry the Cable Guy except stronger and with more charisma was actually an alternate personality of Marie, a hot lesbian played by cutie Cecile de France. Related: The Rise And Fall Of Tennessee's Crack Tax 9 High Tension (2003) Of course, we're supposed to overlook this minor dramatic incoherence because of the beauty inherent in two individuals being sexually aroused in the midst of several innocent people dying. We're assuming this was supposed to be some sort of artful statement about death and dreams and seat belt safety, but expecting an audience to care about two people whose personalities were imagined by a man who was clearly under the influence of some sort of psychotropic drugs is pretty ridiculous (basically the equivalent of making the last ten minutes of The Doors a subplot about the Indian getting it on with the Lizard King). This apparently happens because they're the same people that got to know each other in some dude's dream. Instead we get two complete strangers hooking up immediately following a horrible car crash. You'd figure that with only ten minutes of stuff that actually, you know, happens, they'd have managed to at least get that part right. There is literally less than ten minutes of the movie that actually occurs. We're going to assume this is due to all the acid he took before the car crash, because that's the only way of explaining the incoherent mess he sees in the moments before death.Īpparently too busy sucking themselves off over the stylish transitions and slick effects to bother with actual plotting, the makers of "Stay" created a movie with a plot outline that was actually already used in a Saved by the Bell episode (Rockumentary). The car crash at the beginning of the movie was the only real event, with Henry the main character having hallucinated the rest in the midst of death. ![]()
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